If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
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Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
Sometimes I need a break from myself but it’s like ugh everywhere I go there I am.
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.