Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
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What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.