It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
You Might Also Like
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
Lol.
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
It do be feeling this way.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.