I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
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How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
The best shot in the history of golf
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!