If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
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‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
God has abandoned us.
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.