After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
You Might Also Like
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
i think both sides are to blame here
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
let’s discuss
[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.
Have put a film on instead.
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.
They got Raph!
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”