Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
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I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
Girlfriend: “I regret getting you that blender for your birthday”
Me drinking a pop tart: “why??”
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.