somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
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The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet