I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
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Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life