If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
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I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
God has abandoned us.
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*