2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
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Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day