Skinny people are easier to get blown around by storms. These 4 donuts are for my safety.
You Might Also Like
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
There’s no “us” in nachos.
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
when you don’t want to be too vague
Saw online –
Breaking news:
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
Imagine having a party on purpose.
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF