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I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb