No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
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Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
How times have changed.
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
same vibe as tangled headphones
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*