The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
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the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.