me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
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I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
This meal prepping shit easy
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
Match dot com, but for socks.
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”