I鈥檓 sorry but I love this one 馃ぃ馃ぃ馃ぃ
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*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there鈥檚 no way I鈥檒l be strong enough by then.
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
Jeff Bezos confirms he鈥檚 no longer the world鈥檚 richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
You鈥檙e doing a great job looking at your phone
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
it鈥檚 dangerous to go alone, take this
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.