Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
You Might Also Like
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭