“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
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You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
Worst Native American name ever.
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:
“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”Geez. Give us a break already.
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.