[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
You Might Also Like
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
If I ignore life will it go away?
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?