Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
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ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputyTHINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriffTHINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your handTHINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for loveTHINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*