I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
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Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
This was my dad’s browser history.