Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
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I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
181.
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.