A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
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stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.