Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
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*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
The pasta is now
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?