The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
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Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
LOL!
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
🖤✌🏽
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
this… may be the greatest story ever told