@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
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I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
How do dragons blow out candles?
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!