if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
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“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
quarantine day 3
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear