Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
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How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say