me waiting on an email: what the hell is taking so long, this is ridiculous
me, sending an email: this can probably wait another three weeks or so
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Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
[loses house key, starts a new life]
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
Well, this is awkward
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony