Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
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Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26
HIM: I’m a running back.
ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen