dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
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The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…