[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
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[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War