I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
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I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad