Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
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One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
I never understood why people wear black clothes when they want to be sneaky
They should wear leather armor, because it’s made of hide.
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
This was a bad idea all around
my favorite genre of twitter
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving