How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
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“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*