Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
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My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
The days of good grammer has went
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??