Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
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When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*