someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
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yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up