I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
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Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.