I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
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[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
a lot to unpack here
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
All food is good if you spell it wrong
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
doing your own taxes
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”