[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
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A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
I’m being attacked 😭
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.