If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
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One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!