We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
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Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
*jingles half the way*
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job