Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
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I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm