Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
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Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
Chicago sounds lovely.
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.