Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
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It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
If you’re in an ambulance, you need to get yourself to a hospital right away.
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx