[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
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Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
Inside you there are two wolves
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”