writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
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My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
“what’s a skit rip?”
– me, misreading “ski trip” on the mini crossword time to put me in a nursing home omg
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am