Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
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My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
Thursday
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
🤣could you imagine
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away